Charles on… anything that comes along

Let’s just get it clear first that Simon Cowell is brilliant, a master of the pithy putdown in this latest series of the X-Factor. I’ve started building a list of his dismissals, in fact, because they stand alone, marvellous epigrams. OK, it’s not Oscar Wilde but hey, we live in the modern world. A couple of samples from last Saturday’s episode:

“What were you like before you had singing lessons? … I think the word ‘refund’ comes to mind.”

And: “Girls, I’ll be honest. It was a complete and utter mess. It was like four cats’ tails being trapped in a door simultaneously.”

Sheer genius. Who would have thought that such pearls could drop from the lips of this 25-year-old record company executive interested in go-karting appearing on TV for the first time as a contestant on Sale Of The Century in the 1990s??

Thing is, though, that what you see on X-Factor is so not what the contestants get. You watch some of the tuneless wonders (see above) and wonder: how can’t they know? Cowell says as much from time to time.

The reason that the tone-deaf ones don’t know is that they think they’ve been picked because they’re good. And the reason they think that is because the people who are good get picked, and the ones who are average get binned. And the ones who are awful get picked. Except they don’t know they’re awful. They’re full of delight because they got picked to go in front of the big four and the others - the majority - didn’t.

Read this person’s experience from the auditions, posted in April:

When I eventually went into my audition there was a bored looking young man and some teenager who used to be on Byker Grove (apparently), both of which probably know nothing of music or talent. They ignored me when I walked in, whispered to each other while I sang and then refused to give me an explanation of why they wouldn’t put me through. A friend of mine, also talented, had a slightly nicer judge who explained that they couldn’t put her through coz they’d reached their quota for the day (30 girls only). So the hundreds waiting outside were gonna be told ‘no’ even if they were the next Leona Lewis. This is unacceptable when they put middle aged men in purple sequinned jackets and tone deaf people trough just for laughs.

I really wish people would wise up to this kind of commercialism and stop making Simon Cowell millions. Lets start demanding quality TV with professional talented people being paid for what they are trained to do. I didn’t spend £30,000 at Drama school to be treated like that.

I think that the “quota for the day” people were probably lying - they just didn’t want to say “you’re not bad or good enough to get the top-level audition”.

So imagine that you’ve sat there and seen loads of people told not to bother. There are thousands there and they’ve been turned away, but you’ve been chosen - after singing a few notes - and now you’re going to be up in front of the people who could make you a STAR. And all your friends keep telling you that you’ve got a great voice, and you’ve practised “Our Love Will Go On” so much in the shower. And now it’s your turn to sing and you sing and Simon’s talking and he’s saying…

“You sang it in about 7,000 different keys.”

This is the thing: they sift out the middle stuff. But does the X-Factor mention this at all? Nope. What you see is not what the competitors get. (Still, do go and watch the Sale of The Century.)

Does that mean we’ll give up watching X-Factor? Naah. Even if none of the winners has yet amounted to anything. It’s the schadenfreude that’s entertaining. (We’ve got hopes for Leona Lewis, but if her album isn’t going to be released until November, won’t everyone be saying “Leona who?”)

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